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Listening Requires Being Silent

How engaged are you in your relationships? Are you present within the relationship? I don’t mean physically present since that is a given. I’m talking about being mentally, emotionally and spiritually invested in the relationship. To be devoted means enduring the difficult periods if the relationship runs into rough waters. I’m defining relationships here as all forms of human connections whether they be intimate, friends, family or work colleagues. Now you might think: “Tony, I can’t be overly engaged with my boss because I would cross the line of being their friend.” So allow me to explain myself. By being engaged and present means we bring our whole self to our encounters with others. For example, it is my experience as a coach that many people are ineffective listeners. They listen intending to chime in once the other person is finished. They are not taking part in communication and it is evident in their body language. Contemplate this for a moment, do you consider yourself to be a good listener in your relationships? Do you listen intently to what others are saying or do you skim over the surface of their words?

The theme of this article is inspired by a recent conversation with a client experiencing communication challenges with her boss. She mentioned the difficulty of sustaining a mutual understanding with her boss because of his intolerance to what she has to say. She recalled a recent experience that was met with disdain and indifference. The boss was certain they were listening by repeating “yep” throughout the conversation. From my client’s perspective however, they were indifferent to her communication. Listening requires being silent until the other person finishes their dialogue. You might even ask them: “Is there anything else you want to tell me about this situation?” In this manner, you create an open dialogue with the other party instead of pretending you are interested. I know of a family member who continually interrupts me by asking questions while I am explaining a story. I find it disconcerting because if they actively listen, I will tell them what they need to know within the context of the story. If I have not explained myself well enough, they are at right to ask questions once I have finished. Do you agree with these sentiments? What is your experience with poor listeners?

Bring Your Authentic Self To Each Interaction

Listening is one facet of how we engage in our relationships. Other ways include: compassion, kindness and creating an atmosphere of presence with the other person. So if your significant other comes home and tells you about their problems at work, rather than try to fix it, listen without prejudice. Listen with an open mind and a compassionate heart, knowing they are coming to you because they feel safe sharing their vulnerabilities. Unless they ask for help, actively listen and give them the gift of your presence. Sure, I understand we want to fix the other person’s problem but often our advice may be unqualified or unnecessary. What it requires is empathy, presence and nonjudgement. Have you experienced this with your intimate relationships where you wanted your partner to just listen to you? Sometimes it’s difficult and we retaliate in anger because we don’t want someone to fix our problems, we want to be heard.

Who said relationships were easy? They are not meant to be easy, however they are worth it even when the other person pushes our pain buttons. We experience growth at those times because it forces us to look into ourselves even during conflicts. The importance of being engaged and present within our relationships means fostering true communication. We let go of judgement and fixed ideas of what we think the other person is really saying. There is the opportunity to heal our childhood wounds when we listen openly because we allow our ego to take a back seat. Ego wants to be heard while the heart prefers to listen. Listening is difficult because it involves silence and thoughtful reflection while the other person is talking. Moreover, not all problems need to be solved. When we try to solve other people’s problems we take away their ability to overcome their challenges. We disempower them and strip them of their identity. What we ought to do is listen and ask encouraging questions so they arrive at the answers themselves.

Are you seeing that being engaged and present in your relationships involves more than your physical presence? It means bringing your authentic self to each interaction and letting go of judgement, blame and anger. I’m not suggesting it is simple but if we consider why we are in the relationship in the first place, we learn to see past these disingenuous emotions and truly connect with our core feelings. With this in mind, I’d like you to pick a relationship you feel is strained at the moment. It might be a co-worker, a friend, a family member or a significant other. In the next seven days, make an agreement with yourself to actively listen to what the other person is saying. Listen with the intent to connect with their words and emotions instead of skimming over the surface of the communication. Try to get a sense of what they want you to know about the situation. Are they afraid? Are they feeling vulnerable? Or angry? If so, perhaps they need unconditional love? Are you willing to give it to them without saying a word? Maybe they want you to see them through the eyes of love, even when they experience negative emotions. The true test comes when we are engaged and present in all our relationships without the need to say a lot.

When you have been asked or hired to give a presentation, you will usually be introduced to the group before you present. Often, the person chosen to introduce you is not a seasoned speaker. The introduction, therefore, by this well-meaning person can turn the audience off before one word comes out of your mouth. How can you avoid this?

Write out your introduction!

• Prepare a short and snappy introduction to hand to your introducer.
• I often send one ahead also. This helps the group to have pre-presentation information for a flyer or newsletter.
• Even if you send one ahead, bring a copy with you.
• When you arrive, ask who will be introducing you and give him/her the copy and take a couple of minutes to point out pronunciation of any words that might be difficult or unfamiliar.
• Another note is to double space, use a font of at least size 12, and do not use all caps, which are hard to read.

What to include! When I wrote “short and snappy” I meant it. If the introduction drags on or is too praiseworthy, it will turn the audience off before you stand up. Just include the pertinent facts in the description — facts that are interesting and make the listeners sit up and take notice. The only time I include my college background is when I feel I need it for credibility.

What is your topic? Include words in the introduction that position you to speak on the topic you are presenting. What is it about you that gives you the expertise to talk about this topic? For example, if you are talking about running a successful home business, do you, yourself, have a home business? If not, you might want to reconsider speaking about home businesses.

A little humor goes a long way! One humorous fact can help any introduction to warm the audience. However, don’t depend upon pacing or delivery from the person who is reading your introduction. You can even add a line at the end that leads into a quick note of humor for your beginning comments.

What to do while being introduced! Often, while we are being introduced, audience members can observe us (we may be up on a stage or platform, or sitting at a table in full view). Make sure that you look lively, prepared and professional (I’ve seen presenters with their heads down, looking completely bored or practically asleep). As soon as the introducer is finished, be ready to jump up with enthusiasm and shake his/her hand.

On the second web-cast of Oprah Winfrey’s phenomenally large online class with Eckhart Tolle, one of the moments of impact was when Eckhart talked about making the present moment the focal point of our lives. Eckhart has a wonderful way of saying inspiring things using such plain language that we can all get it, no matter what our spiritual or religious background might be. We can see into the meaning of his simple words, and connect with the reality that they are pointing to.

We heard in his earlier book “The Power of Now” about the importance of the present moment-about how the past and the future are not real in the same way that this present moment is real-past and future are just ideas that are programmed into our minds. This must have resonated with many of us, because the Power of Now has been on the best seller lists for so long. Now Eckhart has written A New Earth and it has already sold 3.5 million copies, even before Oprah started this class. We must have an abiding interest in this message! And we want to know-after exploring our interest and enjoying these wonderful books, is there a way that we can actually experience this reality that Eckhart is talking about in the midst of the commotion of our busy daily lives?

What would it really mean to change the focal point of our lives to the present moment, and to stay living in the world? If we are willing to really have that happen for us, what would it mean for our lives? The content in each of our lives is different obviously, so the exact details of what would change would be as unique as we each are as people. On the other hand, there are universal patterns about this inner shift that Eckhart is referring to. One of these is expressed so succinctly by the description he uses of having a space develop between our sense of self and our thought processes. This space occurs and expands as we disidentify with our thought processes, and relate to them instead as a wonderful tool that we (an identity outside of them) use. In our lives up to this point, we have been fused with these thoughts that go through our minds, as if our ideas about ourselves are actually equivalent to who we are. When we stay in the present moment and notice that our thoughts are arising and are something quite separate from who we are, then a space is appearing. At first it may seem vague and fleeting, but over time if we keep giving this our attention, the space seems to widen and become permanent and “normal”. We notice our thoughts as if from a slight distance, as only being thoughts and not having anything to do with who we are. We no longer look to our thinking processes to provide us with crucial information about who we are, and so are freed in a wonderful way from reliance on our thoughts, feelings or circumstances conforming to our preferences. They no longer affect us in the same way.

This lack of reference to thinking for clues about our identity, doesn’t leave much possibility for using the past and future as focal points for our daily living. Past and future turn out to not exist outside of our thought processes. We can watch our thoughts creating both. Meanwhile it is all happening in a present moment that seems to be pregnant with possibility and vitality. When we stay with it enough to recognize the incredible beauty of the life force expressing itself around us in a myriad of forms, it can feel quite overwhelmingly and radiantly beautiful, no matter what the content of it is.

If what we are going to do today or how we are going to behave in a particular situation has been a compulsive recreating of the past (making today be much like yesterday and projecting that into tomorrow) we become freed from that. Although such freedom from the past is generally felt to be wonderful, what is sacrificed to get there is the knowing of what will be happening in the future. To the mind, this tends to be a profoundly unacceptable situation because of its need to control life, and mind may be making noisy complaints about that. The noise, however, is occurring on the sidelines of awareness once we are experiencing the space that we have been referring to. It is just mind doing what minds do, making noise and being a tool that is trying unsuccessfully to retain control over its rightful master, you. It no longer is needed for that particular job. You already know who you are.

As we allow the present moment to be the focal point of our lives, we are freed from the domination by our thoughts that has been the normal human condition for thousands of years. We are freed to live our lives without compulsive referencing to ideas about what is possible and the world opens up to us. We use the mind to reference practical things-we don’t want to forget our phone number, or forget how to cook dinner. Mind is the most amazing and practical tool when it comes into its rightful place of serving something beyond itself. And when it is not needed, it can rest. What is here in this focal point of the present moment then, is the simple yet vitally alive world that surrounds and includes us. We feel the wind in our hair again. We see the incredible vitality in the world around us-we see God (or call it Life, or Love) peeking at us out of everything. We experience the joy that every birdcall has all along been offering us. The veil of thinking has been lifted off of the world, and life as it is, including our own, can now be experienced.

Experiencing the world in this way is such an overwhelmingly wonderful experience that once it is felt, it forever remains as a motivation for the sometimes time-consuming process of learning to live it in the midst of everyday life. At first it may be that even little disturbances like a harsh word or a traffic jam with jump-start mind into such compelling noise that the experiencing of the present moment may not be possible until that event is long passed. But gradually over time, with steady attention to who we really are, we are able to stay conscious in the little things and only more charged and potent events can throw us. Gradually we come to live our whole lives in this new world. We have changed the focal point of our lives to the present moment, and our world reflects back to us the incredible gift of the Life that we have been given and that we are.