Negotiation is a fact of life. In a very real sense, we are all negotiators. Inevitably, our own needs and concerns bump up against the needs and concerns of those around us and we bargain in order to reconcile our needs/concerns with those of others.

That said, some people are clearly better at negotiating than others. Some people just seem to have a special talent for knowing just what to say at just the right moment in order to resolve a conflict or close a deal. Such negotiators become the stuff of legends, or at least, Hollywood movies. Steven Spielberg’s recent movie, Bridge of Spies, immortalizes a gifted negotiator by the name of James Donovan, portrayed in the movie by Tom Hanks.

The rest of us, however, are compelled to resort to our own more modest talents when we engage in bargaining endeavors. The good news, however, is that all of us can adopt some relatively simple techniques employed by successful negotiators, and enhance the odds of success in our face-to-face encounters. Here are a few simple techniques you can try in your next adventure in bargaining:

1. Avoid using ‘irritators’ in your conversation. By ‘irritators’, I mean those innocuous words and phrases (example: “this is a generous offer”) that have zero persuasive value and are more apt to irritate the party with whom you are negotiating. When you tell your counterpart that your own proposal is ‘fair’ or ‘reasonable’ you imply that she would be unfair or unreasonable to reject it. So, refrain from attempts to attach positive value judgments to your own proposals, particularly when those judgments will communicate negative implications about the other side.

2. Limit your counterproposals. If the other party presents you with a proposal, avoid the temptation to immediately respond with a counterproposal of your own. When you routinely respond to the other side’s proposals with counterproposals, your responses are apt to be interpreted as blocking mechanisms rather than as proposals in their own right. In addition, counterproposals have a way of muddying the waters as they tend to add issues to the discussion rather than promoting clarity and bringing focus to the issue in question. While counterproposals do have their place in negotiation behavior, use them sparingly. Judicious use will increase their effectiveness and reduce the chance of your antagonizing the other side.

3. Give the other side a “heads up” on what you are about to say. This particular technique, referred to as ‘behavior labeling,’ is quite simple to use, but can be very effective. Suppose, for example, you are negotiating to sell your car, and the other party’s purchase offer is below Kelley Blue Book. Instead of asking, “Why are you offering me less than Kelley Blue Book?”, consider asking, “Can I ask you a question: Why is your offer less than Kelley Blue Book?” Similarly, if you intend to offer a proposal of your own, begin by saying, “If I can make a suggestion, what if we… ” This behavior labeling draws the attention of the other party to what you are about to say and tends to draw them in to making a direct response to what you have just posed to them. This technique also serves to reduce the back and forth volleys between the parties and may enhance a more deliberative approach to the negotiation.

4. Test your understanding of the other party’s position by reflecting back what they just told you. This is another simple concept to implement. For example, returning to the car selling scenario, consider saying, “So if I understand what you are telling me, you don’t think my car is worth the Kelley Blue Book price because… ” This can be an easy way to prompt the other side to reveal more of its own thinking on the subject, without you having given away any more of yours. And, by summarizing aloud what the other party is telling you, you clarify what might otherwise have been uncertain. Your summary also communicates to the other party that you are listening to what she tells you, thereby eliciting further disclosure from her. This can help develop an attitude of mutual respect between the parties.

5. Ask questions to obtain more information as to the other party’s thinking, its goals and interests. Questions are usually more acceptable to the other party than direct disagreement and are more likely to communicate respect for the other side. Consider using what is referred to as the ‘funnel approach’ to questioning. Begin with broad, open ended questions (example: “So why is it that you are looking to purchase a car at this time?”) and proceed to narrow the questions’ scope (“What is it that you like about my car?”) until you reach the key issue (“What do you think is a fair price for this car?”).

6. Limit the reasons you cite in support of your bargaining position. Most of us tend to assume that the quality of our argument in support of a position is enhanced by the quantity of reasons we offer in support of it. In fact, successful negotiators typically offer fewer points to support their position in order to avoid diluting their impact. The downside to tossing out multiple arguments is that, invariably, one or more of the arguments will be significantly weaker than the others. The other side is then in a position to focus its rejoinder on refuting the weaker arguments and then reject your position altogether. So, when advancing a proposal or a particular position, limit yourself to just a select few points in support of it. In this instance at least, less is definitely more.

These simple techniques can be employed in almost any bargaining situation you may encounter. Make them a routine part of your negotiating repertoire, and see if you too can improve your negotiating effectiveness.

© 2/16/2016 Hunt & Associates, P.C. All rights reserved.

Cope with Nerves

Stressed out about business presentations? Would you rather stay in bed, hide in the bathroom or find an excuse to leave work early than get up in front of a group?

For anyone looking for strategies to reduce fear of public speaking, a new webinar training series will help you calm down, reduce stress and handle presentations like a pro.

As a professional, it’s your job to give presentations. Most likely, all day – every day. Most people find that as they advance in their career, so does the number of presentations on their calendar.

But there is always the fear that shows up before getting up on stage. It may show up as nervous jitters, dry throat, upset stomach, nausea or sweaty palms.

Here are 7 tips to conquer nervous stress about presenting and public speaking – so you can rise in your career without having your blood pressure rise too!

1. Picture Success
Imagine vividly the positive outcomes of your speech. This could be applause, approval of your proposal, or winning a big contract. Perhaps your boss will finally notice how much value you bring to the team. Whatever motivates you and gives you a warm happy feeling – picture that!

2. Rename Nervous Energy
Feeling nervous can be a good thing. It’s a sign of positive excitement and adrenaline. This is necessary for peak performance. Rename the symptoms as a good sign and you’re much more likely to accept the sensations and move forward.

3. Hold Onto a Marker
The first moments of presenting can be when you feel most uncertain. Hold onto a marker – and head to a flipchart or whiteboard. Use your marker to steady yourself. This is also a great way to plan for specific steps and visual maps to structure your talk.

4. Pause
Pause before you speak. This makes you look, well, presidential. Many executives, politicians and leaders know this trick. Pause. It could be the most important thing you do.

While you’re gathering yourself, your audience is also focusing on you. Command the space during your pause. Then, you’ll feel much more ready to move ahead.

5. Breathe Slowly
Slow down your breath. Some people find that counting inhalations and exhalations is an effective way to slow down and calm down. Experiment to find your own comfort zone.

6. Structure Your Story
A clear roadmap for your presentation is a great stress reducer. Once you know what you’re going to say, do and draw, it’s a lot easier to handle the amount of time you have in front of a group. If you aren’t 100% sure how to structure a compelling story, take a professional training webinar to find out.

7. Review What Worked
After every presentation, ask yourself a single question: “What worked?” This will help you build a set of personal best practices. Instead of trying to remember a complicated set of expert rules, you’ll have your own private collection of what works for you.

Presenting in front of groups is a part of professional life. By learning techniques and tips to get comfortable you are positioning yourself for career success.

Just like many parts of professional life, measurement is a terrific motivator. Learn the tricks of the trade by recording your own progress in overcoming stress. Simple ways to increase measurement include tracking:

1. How many presentations are you giving a week?
2. What techniques are helping you reduce stress?
3. How many presentation training webinars are you attending?
4. What best practices work best for you?
5. How often are you getting expert feedback from a coach?

See how this works? And here’s the best news: A small amount of learning, tracking and personal feedback has a big impact!

On the second web-cast of Oprah Winfrey’s phenomenally large online class with Eckhart Tolle, one of the moments of impact was when Eckhart talked about making the present moment the focal point of our lives. Eckhart has a wonderful way of saying inspiring things using such plain language that we can all get it, no matter what our spiritual or religious background might be. We can see into the meaning of his simple words, and connect with the reality that they are pointing to.

We heard in his earlier book “The Power of Now” about the importance of the present moment-about how the past and the future are not real in the same way that this present moment is real-past and future are just ideas that are programmed into our minds. This must have resonated with many of us, because the Power of Now has been on the best seller lists for so long. Now Eckhart has written A New Earth and it has already sold 3.5 million copies, even before Oprah started this class. We must have an abiding interest in this message! And we want to know-after exploring our interest and enjoying these wonderful books, is there a way that we can actually experience this reality that Eckhart is talking about in the midst of the commotion of our busy daily lives?

What would it really mean to change the focal point of our lives to the present moment, and to stay living in the world? If we are willing to really have that happen for us, what would it mean for our lives? The content in each of our lives is different obviously, so the exact details of what would change would be as unique as we each are as people. On the other hand, there are universal patterns about this inner shift that Eckhart is referring to. One of these is expressed so succinctly by the description he uses of having a space develop between our sense of self and our thought processes. This space occurs and expands as we disidentify with our thought processes, and relate to them instead as a wonderful tool that we (an identity outside of them) use. In our lives up to this point, we have been fused with these thoughts that go through our minds, as if our ideas about ourselves are actually equivalent to who we are. When we stay in the present moment and notice that our thoughts are arising and are something quite separate from who we are, then a space is appearing. At first it may seem vague and fleeting, but over time if we keep giving this our attention, the space seems to widen and become permanent and “normal”. We notice our thoughts as if from a slight distance, as only being thoughts and not having anything to do with who we are. We no longer look to our thinking processes to provide us with crucial information about who we are, and so are freed in a wonderful way from reliance on our thoughts, feelings or circumstances conforming to our preferences. They no longer affect us in the same way.

This lack of reference to thinking for clues about our identity, doesn’t leave much possibility for using the past and future as focal points for our daily living. Past and future turn out to not exist outside of our thought processes. We can watch our thoughts creating both. Meanwhile it is all happening in a present moment that seems to be pregnant with possibility and vitality. When we stay with it enough to recognize the incredible beauty of the life force expressing itself around us in a myriad of forms, it can feel quite overwhelmingly and radiantly beautiful, no matter what the content of it is.

If what we are going to do today or how we are going to behave in a particular situation has been a compulsive recreating of the past (making today be much like yesterday and projecting that into tomorrow) we become freed from that. Although such freedom from the past is generally felt to be wonderful, what is sacrificed to get there is the knowing of what will be happening in the future. To the mind, this tends to be a profoundly unacceptable situation because of its need to control life, and mind may be making noisy complaints about that. The noise, however, is occurring on the sidelines of awareness once we are experiencing the space that we have been referring to. It is just mind doing what minds do, making noise and being a tool that is trying unsuccessfully to retain control over its rightful master, you. It no longer is needed for that particular job. You already know who you are.

As we allow the present moment to be the focal point of our lives, we are freed from the domination by our thoughts that has been the normal human condition for thousands of years. We are freed to live our lives without compulsive referencing to ideas about what is possible and the world opens up to us. We use the mind to reference practical things-we don’t want to forget our phone number, or forget how to cook dinner. Mind is the most amazing and practical tool when it comes into its rightful place of serving something beyond itself. And when it is not needed, it can rest. What is here in this focal point of the present moment then, is the simple yet vitally alive world that surrounds and includes us. We feel the wind in our hair again. We see the incredible vitality in the world around us-we see God (or call it Life, or Love) peeking at us out of everything. We experience the joy that every birdcall has all along been offering us. The veil of thinking has been lifted off of the world, and life as it is, including our own, can now be experienced.

Experiencing the world in this way is such an overwhelmingly wonderful experience that once it is felt, it forever remains as a motivation for the sometimes time-consuming process of learning to live it in the midst of everyday life. At first it may be that even little disturbances like a harsh word or a traffic jam with jump-start mind into such compelling noise that the experiencing of the present moment may not be possible until that event is long passed. But gradually over time, with steady attention to who we really are, we are able to stay conscious in the little things and only more charged and potent events can throw us. Gradually we come to live our whole lives in this new world. We have changed the focal point of our lives to the present moment, and our world reflects back to us the incredible gift of the Life that we have been given and that we are.