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Listening Requires Being Silent

How engaged are you in your relationships? Are you present within the relationship? I don’t mean physically present since that is a given. I’m talking about being mentally, emotionally and spiritually invested in the relationship. To be devoted means enduring the difficult periods if the relationship runs into rough waters. I’m defining relationships here as all forms of human connections whether they be intimate, friends, family or work colleagues. Now you might think: “Tony, I can’t be overly engaged with my boss because I would cross the line of being their friend.” So allow me to explain myself. By being engaged and present means we bring our whole self to our encounters with others. For example, it is my experience as a coach that many people are ineffective listeners. They listen intending to chime in once the other person is finished. They are not taking part in communication and it is evident in their body language. Contemplate this for a moment, do you consider yourself to be a good listener in your relationships? Do you listen intently to what others are saying or do you skim over the surface of their words?

The theme of this article is inspired by a recent conversation with a client experiencing communication challenges with her boss. She mentioned the difficulty of sustaining a mutual understanding with her boss because of his intolerance to what she has to say. She recalled a recent experience that was met with disdain and indifference. The boss was certain they were listening by repeating “yep” throughout the conversation. From my client’s perspective however, they were indifferent to her communication. Listening requires being silent until the other person finishes their dialogue. You might even ask them: “Is there anything else you want to tell me about this situation?” In this manner, you create an open dialogue with the other party instead of pretending you are interested. I know of a family member who continually interrupts me by asking questions while I am explaining a story. I find it disconcerting because if they actively listen, I will tell them what they need to know within the context of the story. If I have not explained myself well enough, they are at right to ask questions once I have finished. Do you agree with these sentiments? What is your experience with poor listeners?

Bring Your Authentic Self To Each Interaction

Listening is one facet of how we engage in our relationships. Other ways include: compassion, kindness and creating an atmosphere of presence with the other person. So if your significant other comes home and tells you about their problems at work, rather than try to fix it, listen without prejudice. Listen with an open mind and a compassionate heart, knowing they are coming to you because they feel safe sharing their vulnerabilities. Unless they ask for help, actively listen and give them the gift of your presence. Sure, I understand we want to fix the other person’s problem but often our advice may be unqualified or unnecessary. What it requires is empathy, presence and nonjudgement. Have you experienced this with your intimate relationships where you wanted your partner to just listen to you? Sometimes it’s difficult and we retaliate in anger because we don’t want someone to fix our problems, we want to be heard.

Who said relationships were easy? They are not meant to be easy, however they are worth it even when the other person pushes our pain buttons. We experience growth at those times because it forces us to look into ourselves even during conflicts. The importance of being engaged and present within our relationships means fostering true communication. We let go of judgement and fixed ideas of what we think the other person is really saying. There is the opportunity to heal our childhood wounds when we listen openly because we allow our ego to take a back seat. Ego wants to be heard while the heart prefers to listen. Listening is difficult because it involves silence and thoughtful reflection while the other person is talking. Moreover, not all problems need to be solved. When we try to solve other people’s problems we take away their ability to overcome their challenges. We disempower them and strip them of their identity. What we ought to do is listen and ask encouraging questions so they arrive at the answers themselves.

Are you seeing that being engaged and present in your relationships involves more than your physical presence? It means bringing your authentic self to each interaction and letting go of judgement, blame and anger. I’m not suggesting it is simple but if we consider why we are in the relationship in the first place, we learn to see past these disingenuous emotions and truly connect with our core feelings. With this in mind, I’d like you to pick a relationship you feel is strained at the moment. It might be a co-worker, a friend, a family member or a significant other. In the next seven days, make an agreement with yourself to actively listen to what the other person is saying. Listen with the intent to connect with their words and emotions instead of skimming over the surface of the communication. Try to get a sense of what they want you to know about the situation. Are they afraid? Are they feeling vulnerable? Or angry? If so, perhaps they need unconditional love? Are you willing to give it to them without saying a word? Maybe they want you to see them through the eyes of love, even when they experience negative emotions. The true test comes when we are engaged and present in all our relationships without the need to say a lot.

Negotiation is a fact of life. In a very real sense, we are all negotiators. Inevitably, our own needs and concerns bump up against the needs and concerns of those around us and we bargain in order to reconcile our needs/concerns with those of others.

That said, some people are clearly better at negotiating than others. Some people just seem to have a special talent for knowing just what to say at just the right moment in order to resolve a conflict or close a deal. Such negotiators become the stuff of legends, or at least, Hollywood movies. Steven Spielberg’s recent movie, Bridge of Spies, immortalizes a gifted negotiator by the name of James Donovan, portrayed in the movie by Tom Hanks.

The rest of us, however, are compelled to resort to our own more modest talents when we engage in bargaining endeavors. The good news, however, is that all of us can adopt some relatively simple techniques employed by successful negotiators, and enhance the odds of success in our face-to-face encounters. Here are a few simple techniques you can try in your next adventure in bargaining:

1. Avoid using ‘irritators’ in your conversation. By ‘irritators’, I mean those innocuous words and phrases (example: “this is a generous offer”) that have zero persuasive value and are more apt to irritate the party with whom you are negotiating. When you tell your counterpart that your own proposal is ‘fair’ or ‘reasonable’ you imply that she would be unfair or unreasonable to reject it. So, refrain from attempts to attach positive value judgments to your own proposals, particularly when those judgments will communicate negative implications about the other side.

2. Limit your counterproposals. If the other party presents you with a proposal, avoid the temptation to immediately respond with a counterproposal of your own. When you routinely respond to the other side’s proposals with counterproposals, your responses are apt to be interpreted as blocking mechanisms rather than as proposals in their own right. In addition, counterproposals have a way of muddying the waters as they tend to add issues to the discussion rather than promoting clarity and bringing focus to the issue in question. While counterproposals do have their place in negotiation behavior, use them sparingly. Judicious use will increase their effectiveness and reduce the chance of your antagonizing the other side.

3. Give the other side a “heads up” on what you are about to say. This particular technique, referred to as ‘behavior labeling,’ is quite simple to use, but can be very effective. Suppose, for example, you are negotiating to sell your car, and the other party’s purchase offer is below Kelley Blue Book. Instead of asking, “Why are you offering me less than Kelley Blue Book?”, consider asking, “Can I ask you a question: Why is your offer less than Kelley Blue Book?” Similarly, if you intend to offer a proposal of your own, begin by saying, “If I can make a suggestion, what if we… ” This behavior labeling draws the attention of the other party to what you are about to say and tends to draw them in to making a direct response to what you have just posed to them. This technique also serves to reduce the back and forth volleys between the parties and may enhance a more deliberative approach to the negotiation.

4. Test your understanding of the other party’s position by reflecting back what they just told you. This is another simple concept to implement. For example, returning to the car selling scenario, consider saying, “So if I understand what you are telling me, you don’t think my car is worth the Kelley Blue Book price because… ” This can be an easy way to prompt the other side to reveal more of its own thinking on the subject, without you having given away any more of yours. And, by summarizing aloud what the other party is telling you, you clarify what might otherwise have been uncertain. Your summary also communicates to the other party that you are listening to what she tells you, thereby eliciting further disclosure from her. This can help develop an attitude of mutual respect between the parties.

5. Ask questions to obtain more information as to the other party’s thinking, its goals and interests. Questions are usually more acceptable to the other party than direct disagreement and are more likely to communicate respect for the other side. Consider using what is referred to as the ‘funnel approach’ to questioning. Begin with broad, open ended questions (example: “So why is it that you are looking to purchase a car at this time?”) and proceed to narrow the questions’ scope (“What is it that you like about my car?”) until you reach the key issue (“What do you think is a fair price for this car?”).

6. Limit the reasons you cite in support of your bargaining position. Most of us tend to assume that the quality of our argument in support of a position is enhanced by the quantity of reasons we offer in support of it. In fact, successful negotiators typically offer fewer points to support their position in order to avoid diluting their impact. The downside to tossing out multiple arguments is that, invariably, one or more of the arguments will be significantly weaker than the others. The other side is then in a position to focus its rejoinder on refuting the weaker arguments and then reject your position altogether. So, when advancing a proposal or a particular position, limit yourself to just a select few points in support of it. In this instance at least, less is definitely more.

These simple techniques can be employed in almost any bargaining situation you may encounter. Make them a routine part of your negotiating repertoire, and see if you too can improve your negotiating effectiveness.

© 2/16/2016 Hunt & Associates, P.C. All rights reserved.

Congratulations. You received an offer from one of your target companies! You aced the interviews, the chemistry between you and your soon-to-be boss is solid, and you are passionate about the company’s products and services. Now take a deep breath and pat yourself on the back. It has probably taken you a few months to reach this point in your job search – savor the moment!

Ok, time’s up!

Now it’s time to negotiate a compensation package that is competitive, meets your financial needs, and falls within the company’s budget. And you thought the hard part was over! Salary negotiation is difficult, but once mastered, will take your earning power to new heights. Here are the first 3 steps to increase the likelihood of securing a competitive salary.

Step 1 – Research and spend time gathering comparable numbers. Think of salary negotiation like buying a house – you wouldn’t make an offer unless you knew what similar houses in the same area were selling for. Your salary is no different. Ideal sources include other open positions, colleagues who are in a comparable role, compensation consultants and recruiters.

Sometimes it can be difficult to get an “apples to apples” comparison since the composition may be different from company to company. As an example, we have a client that is offering a base salary that is 20% below market, however their bonus structure is 30% above market. The key is to consider the entire package, and then break out each piece (base, bonus, equity, benefits, car, commute, on-site perks, expense account, etc.). If possible, also connect with current or former employees of your new employer to learn more about the company’s negotiation practices. Some companies extend an offer at the high end of their internal range, making it clear that they are unable to negotiate. Conversely, other businesses prefer going the “low-ball” route, expecting the candidate to negotiate a higher package.

Step 2 – Calculate your “3 Numbers” – your dream number, your walk-away number and your comfort number. In other words, know exactly what would compel you to accept the job on the spot. At the other end of the spectrum, what number would be so insulting or ridiculous that it would drive you to walk away without ever looking back! This walk-away number is equally important post-negotiation, as you work to develop a compromise offer. If they are not willing or able to accommodate your financial needs, then they may not appreciate your value and the position probably isn’t a good fit for you.

Hopefully, you’ve discussed some ballpark numbers during the interviewing process to eliminate any surprises, but it’s important to be prepared for anything. It is also during this step that you want to weigh the pros and cons of the position. Consider everything including, your daily commute, the people you would be working with, your potential boss, the business model, and the opportunity for advancement. If you don’t do it now when the level of emotion is low, it will be very difficult to do it after the offer it made. Money changes things and you don’t want to deviate from your “ideal job criteria.”

Step 3 – Don’t make the first move. If you’re asked to provide a target salary, offer a range rather than a specific figure. Do not state your salary goal while other candidates are still being considered. Ideally, the company will make the initial salary offer so you can negotiate in confidence knowing they want you on board.

Generally speaking, the company will allow 10%-20% of “wiggle room” depending on the candidate’s specific qualifications and the level of the position. This is especially true for sales, marketing and general management positions that will directly affect the top and bottom line. In fact, most employers expect to negotiate salaries for these types of positions. As a result, you’re final salary will likely wind up somewhere between your counter and the company’s original offer.

Remember, you must maintain a positive attitude throughout the salary negotiation process. Continue to demonstrate your excitement and enthusiasm for the position even if things don’t go exactly as you planned. After all, assuming you come to an agreement, you will be working alongside the very same people you negotiated with. It’s important that you start out on the right foot.

In Part II, we will talk about the art of dialoguing, sticking to your decision and keeping the door open at all times.

Contact Ken C. Schmitt at [email protected] for additional insights